why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
