adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
