my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
