I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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