Please, let me fuck your mom
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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