I'm lost and stupid without you.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
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It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
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One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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