I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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