How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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