Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
