Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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