I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
