Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
