I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I could make wine with my vomit
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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