I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
