I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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