she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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