I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Randomize
