Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
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