Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Randomize
