Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
