Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
the liver wants what the liver wants
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
