I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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