the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
