She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
