We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
