there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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