So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
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Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
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He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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