I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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