i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
The best revenge is premature balding
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
