Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
you made out with another girl for some wings
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
