just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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