i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
