4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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