When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
