Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
