dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
