I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
