Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
