Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
