do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I need a burrito and a hug.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
