nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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