her vagina looked like bernie madoff
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
