Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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