just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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