I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
