so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
