I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
