38 yer olds are good kisserssss
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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