Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Randomize
