if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
