btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
