I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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