I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Did we literally take a cab across the street
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
