I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
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I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
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You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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