What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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