i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
