Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
