I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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