i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Randomize
